Weird stuff to buy your kids for Christmas

I recently took the little’s to Toys R Us to kill some time and get an idea of how much Christmas was going to squeeze my piggy bank. We walked around the store and I immediately got the impression that some toy makers are drunk. I started taking pictures of the weird stuff I was coming across. You do that too right?
Please pay no mind to the quality of my mobile phone pics. The only thing I want for Christmas is my two front teeth an m-effing iPhone. PLEASE GOD I WANT AN iPHONE.

The very first crap toy I came across was this. This toy encourages our children to color on it. You know, because they totally won’t start coloring on the walls, furniture or other dolls immediately afterwards (I don’t care if it’s washable or not, it’s lame). 


This. THIS kills me. Melissa and Doug probably thought “great fine motor skills!” and I think “WTF were you thinking?!? Why would you teach children how to unlock the crate I have them in?” No, but seriously why would we want to teach our children how to unlock things? Sometimes things are locked up for a reason, like pools, garages, storage bins, artillery…

At first I thought this was a joke. I actually really like Dinosaur Train on PBS. But this is real, it’s playdoh that the kids dig in to “excavate” stuff like bones to “discover” what the dinosaur ate. I’m not kidding.

So um, I hate spongebob but I love taterhead. Sponges and taters just don’t mix.

And um, I hate noisy toys just for the sake of being noisy. I forbade everyone I know of buying my kids these a loooong time ago. Just looking at them gives me a headache.

So, not only do I not own an iPhone, I don’t own an iPad either. But if I did, I most certainly WOULD NOT buy my baby a toy that used my iPad. iPads are for adults to do important stuff like stalk facebook and the twitter, not for baby’s toys. I am so appalled.

Could you imagine? I mean, like really. Where’s my iPhone? Oh the DARN BABY HAS IT.

I love wooden toys, I love buying my children wooden toys. They make me feel like I’m wholesome and natural. Of course, this isn’t true but it sure feels true. This toy I stared at for a long time because there was something about it that didn’t settle right but it’s wooden so I couldn’t let myself hate it. But you know what? This is one dumb ass wooden toy. What do you do with it? What is it’s purpose other than the fact that it’s wooden? Nothing. You do nothing with it. You pick up the way-to-large wooden brownie with a plastic spatula. And that’s it.

It’s weird and I don’t get it. It’s like animal cruelty that shoots 20 feet. 

Kids toys shouldn’t have nipples I say.

This. This WHOLE row at Toys R Us can suck it. I can do great shopping and staying within my budget until I go to pay. Then there’s these really awesome, really expensive, really needed sh*t that my 2 year old gives me the puppy dog eyes and “mommee please?” in her whittle 2 year old voice and I can’t but help spend another 30 bucks on crap. Damn you and your child level crap toys Toys R Us.


  1. says

    Hahahahaha!! I want to take you with me the next time I have to go to Target. I’ll be like having my very own Mystery Science 3000 show/buddy, snarkily commenting on all the inane products.

  2. says

    When that markers “washes off” in my laudry wear does it go? ALl over the rest of the clothes! And the Dino Poop?! Blergh. But if you buy me the Panda Popper I will love you forever. But I will probably also shoot your eye out.

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