From the Archives – it’s bad enough that I have to concoct my own lunch, but to YELL AT ME TOO?

Originally published at Sarcastic, Funny and Brutally Honest on November 7, 2008.
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Have any of you out there ever bought this?

It’s on sale right now at Vons for like a buck. So I thought “Hey! What a great fast way to get super fat super quick!” and I bought a few. Well let me just say: this chow mein is weird enough that I got a whole post about it. First of all on the package it says: “Cook in microwave for FULL flavor”. What does that mean? How else would you eat it that it wouldn’t be full of “flavor”. Uncooked? Like, what kind of moron would sit there and eat a hard, uncooked brick of noodles? Could you imagine?

I don’t know. Maybe I should have been concerned at the store when I noticed the word flavor on the package. Flavor. What exactly does that mean? It’s not real chicken it’s some lab created version of what chicken is supposed to taste like? Have any of you out there read Fast Food Nation? Maybe seeing the word flavor on the package should have been my first clue of what I was in store for.

I’ve had two varieties of this flavorful chow mein. The “Chicken straight-to-your-ass flavor: and the “Beef doesn’t-taste-anything-like-teriyaki-or-beef flavor“. And quite honestly they both taste the same to me. Which oddly enough, is the taste of chocolate.

I’m not kidding.

The grossest thing about this product is that you literally feel like a scientist when you make it.

Maybe I grew up with old fashioned values or maybe I’m just picky, but I don’t like having to mix mysterious liquids, pour freeze dried “vegetables” into anything and add water to the fill line to my food. Or you know, wonder what the flavor is made out of.

Here are the exact instructions (capital letters and all) from the package of Teriyaki Beef Flavor (with my own fancy pictures to go along with it**):

1. Open lid to DOTTED LINE and take out LIQUID SEASONING *(which they never tell you what the liquid seasoning is made of btw) and VEGETABLE packets.

2. Empty VEGETABLE packet into space around noodles *(doesn’t that sound taste appetizing?), add room temperature water to FILL LINE (below arrows) inside bowl, and CLOSE lid.

3. Cook in Microwave oven for 6 minutes. Let stand 1 minute.

4. REMOVE lid, add LIQUID SEASONING (once again-they never mention what this ‘liquid seasoning’ is made of) to cooked noodles, stir well *(well no shit) and enjoy! *(with enthusiasm none the less!)

Doesn’t this look yummy?(DO NOT DRAIN: Some water remaining in the container after cooking is desirable.) *(Um YUCK!)

Here’s my problem with these instructions: It’s bad enough that I have to concoct my own lunch but TO YELL AT ME TOO?!? I just don’t know about that.

*My own commentary added

**Yes, not only do I have a glass front door in which you can see all my goodies at 8:30pm every night, I have fake wood counter tops from the 80’s. It is truly glorious to be a renter.
For now, I think I’ll just stick to my good ol peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.