The girl with no name

I was born to a single mother.
My biological father did the lickedy split before I was born. No pity please, I don’t care that he left. I’ve had no emotional connection to him like, ever.

My mom went on to marry (and then divorce) another guy and have my brother somewhere in the middle of all that.
When I was growing up I didn’t use my biological fathers last name, which was Hagan; I used the same last name of my brother and mom, which was “Prince”. I never felt connected to that royalty sounding last name, I always felt like it was on borrow. Like a library book that you had to return.

My husband and I met in 1999 and got married in 2004-his last name is “Eaglin”.
Shortly after getting married and while I was in college, I was seriously interested in conducting Psychological Research and I had delusions of becoming a ground-breaking scientist in regards to gender/sex research. I figured that using a last name like “Prince” – the last name of my brother and mother would get me more noticed than the last name of my husband “Eaglin”. Who knows if it would have even mattered, but that was my thought at the time.

Then I got pregnant and that dream went out the window.

Fast forward to four years later and I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I figured it was “about time” to stop resisting and change my last name. So I did. Well, sort of…
I  drove out to the DMV and changed my name. When I got home that afternoon I proudly announced to my FB peeps that I had finally “done the deed”.
Only to have a distant relative of my husbands tell me that “I was just borrowing that last name” and that we weren’t “real” Eaglin’s. (Extremely long story short-“Eaglin” isn’t my Father in Laws biological fathers last name either).

Not only did I drop that kid from my friends list faster than a hot potato, his statement of “borrowing” that last name struck me to the core and freaking bothered me.

It bothered me because it was how I felt my entire life. Like I didn’t belong-to a name or to a father.  I was the girl without a last name, floating through life without any gravity.

I thought about it for a long time, hours on end. That is, until I realized that I have done more with that last name and will do more with that last name, then that kid ever will have the ability to. So I let go of that anger and I allowed myself the opportunity to feel connected to my husband. I allowed myself to feel like I belonged to him.

It took me another year to finish changing my last name on all government records to “Eaglin”. But it’s done now, and now, for the first time I feel complete. I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be.

I feel like I belong.

I have a name, one that is mine and one that I can make my own. It’s not my husband’s families name, it’s our familes name. My husband’s, my son’s, my daughter’s and mine.