The New Normal

It wasn’t that long ago that I feared the change Kindergarten would bring. It wasn’t that long ago that I wept while he was gone and it wasn’t that long ago that I yearned for him to return so that our normal would be restored. That normal, which was all I had known for 5 years was me and him. Every morning, every errand, every field trip and every nap time.
That normal has changed.
The normal is now him gone. Away at school, learning, growing and being his own self. The new normal happens while he’s gone it’s now me and them; the little’s and I.  The new normal isn’t lots of questions and lots of conversation. The new normal is quieter, softer, calmer.
The new normal doesn’t include yelling and fighting and sibling rivalry. The new normal makes me feel guilty for its preference. That preference of the quiet, the soft and the calm.
The new normal doesn’t include him and the new normal breaks my heart.
The new normal scares me, that change that can happen so quickly that I feared the day he was born. When the normal was that I was his entire world and he was mine. That normal is gone.
Having him home for the holiday break has made me realize that the normal has changed. Our new normal routine was broken because he was home. What was once his normal, being home, he has now disrupted.  Him being here has been disruptive to our new normal. And that just breaks my heart.